I started looking through my LiveJournal account tonight and I found the post I made on the very first day I learned it existed and signed up. That was July 2, 2004. That’s 11 years ago, people! The days before Facebook and in the days when people, especially those on LiveJournal, loved to write. It was so wonderful to be on a site with people who loved to express themselves as much as I did. So….here was the post (and mind frame) on that day.
Another week has come to an end and Friday evening is a time when I give my body hell at the gym. For some reason, I am used to doing that since I seem to think I will not make it to the gym over the weekend. Saturday is a great day to go to the LA Fitness on Sugarloaf. There aren’t that many people there. You don’t feel crazy being there. People aren’t looking at you like you are some misfit trying to become one of them.
My self-esteem is really low, if you can believe that. My husbear, Travis, doesn’t understand how it can be so low. He says that I need a therapist….I say I need more self-acknowledgment. I stand in front of the mirror, and instead of pointing out the good parts (which are already pointing themselves out), I point out the overhanging love handles and then the abundance of freckles from childhood sunburns. Then I look at my uneven tan lines and the appearance of white underwear on my arse when I am actually naked. Weird seems to be the word rolling over and over in my mind as I run my hand across my stomach and over my crotch.
I remember not to long ago when I was running a race with digichaser. He is that friend that everyone has that eats like a freakin garbage disposal but doesn’t get any of the fat out of it. I love ya, Bitch. Anyway, I had lost from close to 180 lbs. down to 135 lbs. This was done after I got a job with the company from hell, Eckerd. I was the only management there for a little over a month, other than service assistants. But they had other jobs and I was there for extended amounts of time. The only thing I had to eat was, weirdly, a bottle of Eckerd water. Like ten or more a day. I would get one early in the morning (sports size) and continually fill it up throughout the day.
Friends and others were getting worried and wanted to know if I was “sick”. I would look at them and then would just cringe and how my cheeks had started to sink in. “Of course not”, I would yell. Then you would see them let out this long sigh of relief at my lack of AIDS. Seriously, I looked great to myself. But I worried others, so I started eating again. Well, one trip to San Fran and my stomach just jumped back out there, never to allow me to see that wonderful, sexy V in my midsection. That’s life though. (And my wonderful bear men, don’t think I am whining about not being thin….you all are the ones that get me going. Don’t do anything to change yourself unless you pick up some weights. Then I will stand there with you in my jock for inspiration!)
So I am on my way to the gym. Going to do many crunches and lift some weights. By the time I leave the gym, I expect to be pumped and ready to go. The only thing to bring this evening to a close is my wonderful time in the sauna, watching those amazing men wipe the sweat off their bodies and adjusting their love swords underneath their towels.
Thank God I wore my white, 2xst contour pouch briefs today. They bring everything to the front and pick it up! Watch out men, I’m poking through!!!!!