Clearing the Mind…or Chasing Rabbits


After rereading what I wrote, I know I started off talking about something and ended up on something totally different. Bear with me!

Some people don’t know this about me, but years ago, I wanted to try out modeling.  I honestly thought I had something.  No, I’m not talking exclusively about nudity as you may be thinking.  I had lost some of my body fat and was looking the best I had in my life.  Along with the body change came a drastic increase in self-esteem.  I was soon to find out how self-esteem is great,  but if the person doesn’t strive to keep that, it can flitter away.  Sadly, flittering away is exactly what it did.

In 2001, I was contemplating becoming a stripper at a local bar.  I really thought I had what I needed.  One trip to San Francisco and no telling how many meals and no time to work out and all that went down the drain.  I know, I’ve been told that there is no way I could have gained enough weight that quickly to make a difference.  I might not have, but something changed.  I can’t describe it, but it did.

After going through a few jobs, I became tired of feeling sad and feeling self hatred.  I got a gym membership and started to work out A LOT!  My waist size went back down.  My chest, arms, legs, and backside became defined and looked fantastic.  As you can guess, this all made my self-esteem improve tremendously.  I would go to the gym during lunch, after work, and sometimes, even before work.  I had the perfect diet because I had a job where I could eat when I needed nourishment.  I lost that job and started working at a place where I could not leave to get healthy food, I lost tons of sleep because of stupid work schedules or having to stay over my scheduled hours because people didn’t show up when they should.  This is where I commence with the downward spiral of depression.

I decided that school would lift me back up.  I feel comfortable when I am learning.  People think I might be crazy, but when you have something to keep your brain busy, and better yourself at the same time, you can accomplish so many things.  The possibilities are endless when you gain knowledge.  Even though I had about a year of disappointment after loosing a great opportunity to further a drafting career, I decided to go back to school and learn Accounting.  I stayed in the same job while going through both programs.  Thankfully, after graduating from the Accounting program, I found a much better job.

I can’t put into words the change I was able to make, with the great assistance and direction of a coworker.  I went to the gym with a purpose of growing mentally and physically and that’s exactly what I did.  I grew in every way I wanted.  It was fantastic!  I’ve shared pictures on here of my progress.  August was quite shitty, speaking honestly.  I lost another job due to the damn economy.

Since I did not have a job, I once again found myself in a place where I felt useless.  I had two associates degrees and no job to put them to use.  What did I do to find myself in this position in life where I keep getting flushed down the proverbial drain when the economy or someone decides to shrink a business.  It is definitely not where I saw myself years ago.  No one ever says, “In five years, I see myself constantly ending up in dead end jobs or in jobs I take only because I need employment.”  That would be a dreary outlook and it became a dreary reality.

Along with job loss, there has been a change in my body.  Depression can, will, and has caused me to lose sight of where I want my physical self.  I have felt unworthy to go to the gym since I became unemployed.  I have the membership (it’s not that expensive for one) but I feel horrible knowing that the other half is working to support us while I’m pumping iron.  That would be very selfish of me…and that is not me.

I’m hoping that the next year will see a drastic change.  Something has to change or I’m going to end up in a mental hospital.  No joke.  I’ve had enough failure for one person to handle.  My body and mind can’t take anymore upset and depression.

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