Have you ever had a change that was so drastic that some people believed it was totally fake or that it was solely to show off or make a point? Have you ever thought you had done something terribly wrong over the years to make people see you in a different light than you see yourself? Have you ever had the belief that someone automatically saw you as something totally on the basis of what you like or do? Have you ever thought that being honest and completely uncovered to people you know might drive them away from you?
Those are the questions and issues I have been dealing with for the past few weeks.
I have done a lot of thinking as of late….kind of a reflection on my life and the things which have taken place through the years. It hasn’t made me happy overall. There have been too many times when I may have led people to believe I am a total bitch most of the time, not only to people that I am friends with, but to people I do not know. I can honestly say, I have a personality where if it needs to come out, it comes out. Yes, sometimes that can sound mean and off-putting, but I am from the school of, “Sometimes, the truth hurts.” I am not mean to people to be mean. I was raised better than that and I do not see myself as a hurtful person. I do have thoughts, beliefs, and opinions that differ from others, but so does everyone else in this world. If we were all the same, nothing would get accomplished and we, as humans, would never advance. Don’t let my differences lead you to believe that I am a terrible person.
I am a gay man. Yes, I am. It may be hard for some to believe, but it’s true. I don’t fit into the scene of gay culture. It seems many gay men aren’t keen on the idea of a spiritual life when it comes to Christianity. Many have been hurt or have never been introduced to the real and true feeling of wholeness that comes along with knowing a Heavenly Father. I can’t heal any scars left behind by someone who hurt them. I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m forcing it down their throats, but I want to be able to write when I feel moved. I have this blog and I want to use it in a way that will help me get my feelings out. I’m chasing rabbits now, but basically, I hope I won’t be shunned or looked at unfavorably if I mention my spiritual life from time to time.
I have been on a mission of finding myself. I tell people that I found out so much about myself when I turned thirty years old. The self-awareness has not ceased. Every week, if not day, I see something else I didn’t see before. Sometimes it hurts and other times it makes me happy. Either way, it is something that is being shown to me and at a time when I need to see it. It’s a lesson learned when I needed it. I wish I had a mental calendar or notepad to keep track of all the things revealed to me at the very instance they are discovered, but then I would probably have a wreck as it generally happens while I am driving. I’ll have to work on a thought/revelation journal. That could be exciting and scary at the same time.
There is no other way to say it and I am not ashamed to say or talk about it. I have found the place I have been yearning for in my life over the past fifteen plus years. I didn’t think I needed it often, but I’ve been lying to myself out of madness at people who should not have control of me or my thoughts at this stage of my life. I, like many others, have realized that not all Christians can be lumped together as if they have the same exact mind frame. I have found a home at the local Episcopal church and I haven’t been this happy in years. I know I am not the only person struggling with life and I know that I am not perfect in any way. I do know, however, that there are many people out there who are loving, kind, caring, and all together concerned about others and want to see the best result for their lives. I honestly believe that. I have met many people who are truly refreshing and motivating and I need those people in my life. I need more positive people and less negative. I need a group of people who open my mind and free me from the thoughts and feelings that bring me down and deter me from growing. I feel that I have made friends with people with those exact qualifications.
On May 11th, I will be received into the Episcopal church. I cannot be more excited and thankful. I have found there are more accepting and loving denominations in the United States compared to Southern Baptists in which I was raised, and subsequently, voted out. That behind me, I am ready to pick my life back up where I left off years ago. I have a great Christian family that will be there to help me stay focused.
The friends I’ve made in my years since I came out have been so wonderful. I know some will accept that I have changed the direction in which my life was going. Others I am sure will not be so accepting. I hope it will not be the latter, but if it is, I hope they know it will not upset me as I know not everyone has the same views. Each person has a direction to go in life and they can follow it. I have found one that brings me peace and happiness. I hope they can find one as well.
I’ll keep posting as my path becomes more clear.